Essays: From the Streets: Niki
Niki
My name is Niki. I grew up in what seemed to be a normal middle class family…my stepmother suffered from mental illness that went untreated and I was at the hands of her abuse, both physical, emotional, mental, verbal abuse. I went to school with welts and bruises. It was kind of a secret where everything seemed perfect on the outside in that we went to church and my family was respected in the community but inside, in the house, it was hell. I started seeking acceptance and approval from my peers and just fell in to the wrong crowd. I started using the alcohol and marijuana when I was fourteen years old. From fourteen up until I came to Magdalene I started with alcohol and marijuana, I did pretty much anything I could get my hands on….eventually that led to crack cocaine. When I started using crack cocaine I was actually married and had a little boy who just turned 5. I lost everything within, probably a six month period. My marriage fell apart, we lost our house, I lost my job, and eventually I couldn’t take care of myself. Fortunately my dad was able to take care of my son. I tried to get clean at that time when I confessed to my family about what was going on with me, but I stayed clean for about 30 days and then I relapsed.
I was prostituting. What I tried to do was to get the money or get whatever I could without actually having sex. I didn’t want to have sex. I didn’t want to have to do that…all for drugs, for crack cocaine. The whole time I have this little boy living with my parents and I wasn’t even thinking about him. I wasn’t thinking about myself.
I’d gotten to a point where I was so sick of what I was doing. I was sick of prostituting, sick of using drugs, I had this deep shame and guilt and still do because I basically left my child for drugs. Finally one day it was like I can’t do this anymore, I’ve got to be a mother to my son. I can’t not be in his life. My mother wasn’t in my life and I didn’t want that same cycle.
One of my stays in jail I had been given a list of different recovery programs. I started making phone calls, but everywhere I called they told me there was a waiting period or you have to make an appointment. At this particular time I was living with a pimp who was beating me on a daily basis. I had to prostitute basically if I was going to stay there and have a roof over my head. I had to get out of there right away. I felt like I was going to die if I didn’t do something. Magdalene was actually the last number on the list. I called and the house manager answered the phone, didn’t really ask many questions. I told her the situation, she asked me where I was at, and she came and got me. When I came everyone was real open. Everyone was lovin’ like they accepted me just like they had known me forever. They were people like me. They were people that had issues that I had and I just felt comfortable. It was the perfect place for me. I couldn’t have probably went anywhere else.
My name is Niki. I grew up in what seemed to be a normal middle class family…my stepmother suffered from mental illness that went untreated and I was at the hands of her abuse, both physical, emotional, mental, verbal abuse. I went to school with welts and bruises. It was kind of a secret where everything seemed perfect on the outside in that we went to church and my family was respected in the community but inside, in the house, it was hell. I started seeking acceptance and approval from my peers and just fell in to the wrong crowd. I started using the alcohol and marijuana when I was fourteen years old. From fourteen up until I came to Magdalene I started with alcohol and marijuana, I did pretty much anything I could get my hands on….eventually that led to crack cocaine. When I started using crack cocaine I was actually married and had a little boy who just turned 5. I lost everything within, probably a six month period. My marriage fell apart, we lost our house, I lost my job, and eventually I couldn’t take care of myself. Fortunately my dad was able to take care of my son. I tried to get clean at that time when I confessed to my family about what was going on with me, but I stayed clean for about 30 days and then I relapsed.
I was prostituting. What I tried to do was to get the money or get whatever I could without actually having sex. I didn’t want to have sex. I didn’t want to have to do that…all for drugs, for crack cocaine. The whole time I have this little boy living with my parents and I wasn’t even thinking about him. I wasn’t thinking about myself.
I’d gotten to a point where I was so sick of what I was doing. I was sick of prostituting, sick of using drugs, I had this deep shame and guilt and still do because I basically left my child for drugs. Finally one day it was like I can’t do this anymore, I’ve got to be a mother to my son. I can’t not be in his life. My mother wasn’t in my life and I didn’t want that same cycle.
One of my stays in jail I had been given a list of different recovery programs. I started making phone calls, but everywhere I called they told me there was a waiting period or you have to make an appointment. At this particular time I was living with a pimp who was beating me on a daily basis. I had to prostitute basically if I was going to stay there and have a roof over my head. I had to get out of there right away. I felt like I was going to die if I didn’t do something. Magdalene was actually the last number on the list. I called and the house manager answered the phone, didn’t really ask many questions. I told her the situation, she asked me where I was at, and she came and got me. When I came everyone was real open. Everyone was lovin’ like they accepted me just like they had known me forever. They were people like me. They were people that had issues that I had and I just felt comfortable. It was the perfect place for me. I couldn’t have probably went anywhere else.
Images ©Matthew Williams 2008. Portfolio design by Neon Sky.